Maybe then I could sleep at night.. 

To be completely honest, I’m absolutely terrified of going to sleep. Every night when it’s bed time, I start to get anxious and start to freak out. I procrastinate, I do everything I can to not have to go to sleep. I take a really long hot shower, I read, I watch an episode or two. Eventually though, I know it has to happen. If it doesn’t then I get overtired and I don’t function well when I’m over tired. 

I’ve wondered why I feel this, I think it stems from when I was a kid and my parents let me stay up late because they were night owls. I remember as a child being baby sat by my grandma while my mum worked a late shift and knowing that if I could just stay awake until mum came to get my baby sister I would get to home with her, even though I loved staying at grandmas. The main reason though would be because at night, when I try to sleep is when the thoughts come in. I remember dumb things that I said and did years and years ago. I think about all of the bills I have to pay and worry where I’m going to get the money. I remember what it felt like to sleep next to someone who I loved dearly. Sometimes I don’t even worry or I don’t even feel sad but I just think. It’s the anxiety about the anxiety that I might feel if I can’t sleep and knowing that in the morning I’ll struggle to get out of bed and feel crappy.

I’ve tried everything over the years, sleeping techniques, sleeping pills, an app on my phone, guided meditation. Some of it has worked for a time but it always come back. I know I’m not the only one though, my sister for one is just as bad and lots of songs I listen to reference insomnia. One example of this is, Brand New in their song Noro-

Why doesn’t anyone I know sleep?    Are they all just scared of their dreams?                                              When they lay their heads down at night,                                                     What are they haunted by?

And the one I will leave you with is; City and Colour, the Death of me- 

Maybe then I could sleep at night                    I wouldn’t lie awake until the morning light.                                                                 This is something that I’ll never control my nerves will be the death of me I know, I know  

Goodnight! 

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Maybe then I could sleep at night.. 

2 thoughts on “Maybe then I could sleep at night.. 

  1. The Happy Healthy Kiwi says:

    The anxiety about the anxiety, you’ve hit the nail on the head there! Sometimes I feel like the only thing worse than being caught in a whirlwind of anxious thoughts is the guilt and upset of the feelings themselves. Currently, I can’t sleep. Its the first time in a while, but my head is swimming with thoughts and it’s got me worried. I hope you managed to get some sleep ☺

    Liked by 1 person

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