Sometimes I scratch my mind and stuff..

I miss having someone who is on the same level as me, someone who shares the same goals as me, who feels the way I do about where they are headed in life. It’s a hard thing when you realise the person you thought you were going to spend your life with, has conflicting ideas on what they want in life and suddenly you see that you are both headed in different directions. It’s been me and my goals and ambitions for a year and a half now and it’s been great getting to understand who I am and what I want.but it’s a lonely way to be sometimes. 
In my last relationship, it was always the two of us. We wanted the same thing, we loved the same things and it was like we were the same person but then that changed. I am dating someone now and as much as I like him, I don’t think it’s going to be a long term thing. Even though it is very early days, I can already see that we want different things, I like the city and don’t want to live in the outskirts but he wants a big property and to have a big family. I want to have a small family that I can take on overseas holidays. Will I find someone who wants these things too or am I forever going to like people and develop relationships with people that I will eventually have to break off because we want different things. Do I need to change what I want? How is that even accomplished? 

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Sometimes I scratch my mind and stuff..

limosene 

I’m having one of those ‘fuck everything’ nights, one of those nights where I’m just fed up! These nights used to happen quite regularly but it’s definitely on the deacrease. When it does happen though it just consumes me and nothing can shift my mood. 

It’s hard to articulate exactly what is wrong with me. I think it’s that I’m sick of being alone. I’m not lonely in anyway, I have an amazing circle of friends, I live with my closest friends and my amazing sister who I spend an incredible amount of time with. As well as my gorgeous puppy to keep me company. But I am definitely alone, I’m just me and I’ve never really been just me and I’m feeling fed up. 

I want to come home from work and have my best friend pull me into his arms, give me a kiss and ask me how my day was. I want to cook dinner with him and sit down to watch TV cuddled up on the couch and then I want to get into our warm bed and hold each other in our sleep. Incredibly sappy I know but hey, at this point I do not care. 

I had all of these things but then I lost them and most of the time I can cope with that but some times it sneaks back up on me and it kills me on the inside. Six years of being with the one person and being incredibly in love and very happy for a large majority will do that to you. 

I know I will find that again, until just recently I actually thought maybe I had but I doesn’t seem to have worked out that way and that’s ok. It will. 

Some of my fondest memories of our time together are- 

 while we were living in London he used to work later than me so I was always home before him. When he would come home the first thing he would do would be to go to the bathroom and shower to get all the grease off himself and to warm up. I would go and sit in the bathroom with him and talk to him about our days. Sometimes we would have a cider while talking. 

And another one is- 

Every morning when he was working in town we would get ready together and have breakfast together. We would then go and ‘clean our pegs’ which was cleaning our teeth and then we would drive to work in different cars but the same way for most of the drive. When it came time to go to our separate work places, we would wave like dorks to each other. 

We had lots of things like this that were just out things and we spent every second we could together. We were best friends and even if we had seen each other for the past few hours we would always have something to talk about. We had a lot in common and we were just always Cait and Lawrie. It’s taken me a long time to understand who I am without him as just Cait. 

I know I will have that again. I truly believe we can have more than one soul mate and have that kind of relationship with more than one person. It will never be exactly the same but I’m glad of that. Those memories will always be mine and his and I’m looking forward to making cute, new memories with the next boy I fall madly in love with. 

limosene 

Maybe then I could sleep at night.. 

To be completely honest, I’m absolutely terrified of going to sleep. Every night when it’s bed time, I start to get anxious and start to freak out. I procrastinate, I do everything I can to not have to go to sleep. I take a really long hot shower, I read, I watch an episode or two. Eventually though, I know it has to happen. If it doesn’t then I get overtired and I don’t function well when I’m over tired. 

I’ve wondered why I feel this, I think it stems from when I was a kid and my parents let me stay up late because they were night owls. I remember as a child being baby sat by my grandma while my mum worked a late shift and knowing that if I could just stay awake until mum came to get my baby sister I would get to home with her, even though I loved staying at grandmas. The main reason though would be because at night, when I try to sleep is when the thoughts come in. I remember dumb things that I said and did years and years ago. I think about all of the bills I have to pay and worry where I’m going to get the money. I remember what it felt like to sleep next to someone who I loved dearly. Sometimes I don’t even worry or I don’t even feel sad but I just think. It’s the anxiety about the anxiety that I might feel if I can’t sleep and knowing that in the morning I’ll struggle to get out of bed and feel crappy.

I’ve tried everything over the years, sleeping techniques, sleeping pills, an app on my phone, guided meditation. Some of it has worked for a time but it always come back. I know I’m not the only one though, my sister for one is just as bad and lots of songs I listen to reference insomnia. One example of this is, Brand New in their song Noro-

Why doesn’t anyone I know sleep?    Are they all just scared of their dreams?                                              When they lay their heads down at night,                                                     What are they haunted by?

And the one I will leave you with is; City and Colour, the Death of me- 

Maybe then I could sleep at night                    I wouldn’t lie awake until the morning light.                                                                 This is something that I’ll never control my nerves will be the death of me I know, I know  

Goodnight! 

Maybe then I could sleep at night.. 

Every picture you paint, I’ll paint myself out 

I guess I do want you to be happy eventually but I don’t want it to be just yet..
I want you to feel that longing for me that I feel for you. When you lie next to your new girl I want you to feel that absence, I want you to feel that it’s not right but never quiet be able to put your finger on it. And then it will dawn on you. It doesn’t feel right because she’s not me. That’s how I feel. That’s how I’ve felt the entire time we’ve been apart. It’s not quite right. And I truly don’t believe there’s no way you won’t eventually feel like that too… 

Every picture you paint, I’ll paint myself out 

Lonely as I am, together we cry

Loneliness was never something I had to deal with that often until the break up. Although to be completely honest, I guess I felt pretty lonely at the end of the relationship as well because my partner as I had known him was no longer there. He was there physically but the sweet, loving, fun guy I had fallen in love with had been replaced with a cranky, grumpy stranger who had no time for me in amongst the stress of house renovations. My ex used to go out of town for work for about four days at a time every couple of weeks, so during those times I would be without him. I struggled a lot with those few days and normally would head over to visit my mum or just be out of the house as much as possible during those times. So then I was single and the gaping hole of loneliness struck.

I was very determined to conquer this though, I wanted to learn to be ok with being by myself, I wanted to enjoy alone time. I had always envied those people who said they enjoy just spending some time to themselves and just doing what they wanted to do. Also, the last thing I wanted was to dive straight in to another relationship, just to fill the void. In the past I had tried, I would go in with a positive mind set- I was going to really enjoy my alone time and I would, for about an hour. After that I would get bored, and not know how to fill my time, I would start to think of stupid things, and then the anxiety would set in and I would end up feeling sad and lonely. Missing my partner partner would start then, even if he had just left an hour or so ago and was coming back in an hour or so. Alone time just wasn’t fun because it really wasn’t something I had to do, being alone was only very temporary so I didn’t make an effort to make the most of it.

When you are single however, being alone is inevitable, your time filler, that person who was always around suddenly isn’t there anymore. The loneliness takes on another level as well. You’ve lost the person who meant the most to you and in my case, your best friend and soul mate. We did absolutely everything together and I liked being around him so much that I would never read or play on my computer when he was around because I just wanted to be with him.

How did I combat this? Its been really tough and I still struggle with it, like tonight, my sister went to her boyfriends and all my other housemates went to bed and I realised I was very alone. It is times like that, when I head to bed by myself, that I really wish I had someone but I am much better with it. One thing I have really enjoyed since being single is reading. I have always been an avid reader but it felt like I was neglecting my partner because I get much too engrossed in books. When Twilight came out, I had to force myself to take breaks from reading because I felt like I hadn’t seen my partner in days. So since being single, I can read and read and not feel guilty at all! I have been able to read some amazing books and the speed I can get through them is fantastic. I was never really a series watching person but I have now signed up for Netflix and get into a good series. I also really enjoy a weekend night every now and then at home on my couch, watching a movie.

Friends and Family are awesome for this type of thing as well. My sister has been my rock and I am so incredibly thankful of how close we have become. We were always great friends but there was a bit of tension with her and my ex towards the end and it was hard to be in the middle. Now we are closer than ever and I spend more time with her than anyone else. I’ve also made some amazing friends and formed even closer bonds with other friends, each of them I can always count on to distract me from the sadness of being lonely.

Loneliness isn’t fun and sometimes it seems to consume you, making you feel completely empty but its how you look at loneliness that is key. Instead of letting it get you down, use it as an opportunity to do something you don’t get to do often. Read the new best seller, call an old friend, watch a show that people would normally tease you for watching. Loneliness isn’t forever, I know one day I will be married and have a family and then I will look back on this time when I did so many things for myself and miss it.

Lonely as I am, together we cry

Another week away, my greatest fear

I have had an interesting few days, I have been through the worst anxiety I have had in along time but I have also done amazing things and had a lot of fun.

Basically the anxiety stems from the my ex being pretty awful to me. When I left we were friends and used to talk all the time and tag each other in things and essentially just do what normal friends do. He had been ignoring my messages though, which made me really mad because its incredibly rude, so I asked him what was going on. He said I was messaging him too much and he was ‘copping a lot of flack’ for it. He also told me he was seeing someone and it was hard to justify why he was talking to me all the time. Just to be clear, I am not one of those crazy ex girlfriends that messages constantly and pines for him. Fair enough, I get a little bit sad and sent him a message telling him I was missing him, but that was because I was very sick and been driving all day and its my first big road trip without him. I’m honestly not that sad about him seeing someone, although I do get scared that I won’t find anyone, but I am mainly upset about how he treated me. All he had to do was nicely say to me ‘I have been seeing someone’ and I would have backed off. I understand that he is going to move on but the way he went about it made me feel so stupid and embarrassed and like I mean absolutely nothing to him. It’s silly but I just feel a little worthless at the moment, and lonely. Not having a significant other is not something that I am used to even though it has been a year and a half since we broke up. I guess its all a grieving process, I am sad that I have lost him, I am sad he has changed and I am so sad that this all happened in the first place. I just have to keep thinking that everything happens for a reason and things will get better.

Unfortunately, my brain just gives up on positivity sometimes and I fall apart a little and that is what happened after the conversation with my ex. I could barely talk and just wanted to stay in bed. I had several breakdowns to my travel partner who was so amazing and looked after me so well. Yesterday, she was very worried about me but I slept a fair bit yesterday and felt a lot better.

Today is my birthday so last night (after I slept off my anxiety) we went to Light Nightclub. Last time I was here, I went to Light and it was one of the best nights out I have ever had. That is also where I hooked up with the American boy who I eventually fell for. Light is incredible, it has Cirque Du Soleil performers that perform throughout the night and Alesso was playing so the music was amazing! We both had such a fun night and I had bought myself a really nice fancy dress to wear. It was a cute wiggle dress from a pin up store and while it was clingier than I would normally wear, I felt really sexy in it. Light was an amazing way to see in my birthday.

One error we did make was booking the Bellagio from the 24th to the 26th meaning we had to get up, pack our bags up and walk over from Flamingo with our terrible hang overs. The walk was rough with our huge bags and the random crap we have accumulated and then when we got to the Bellagio the check in line was huge and we both had to concentrate on not vomitting. Once we got to the room we had a nice nap and enjoyed our amazing view of the Bellagio fountains and the rest of the strip.

After chilling out all day in the room, we ordered room service and then got ready to head to Fremont Street in downtown Las Vegas. Fremont is the slightly seedier, crazier part of Las Vegas but that makes it the much better part. We were greeted with an eighties spandex band who were incredible, playing Guns and Roses and Kiss songs. From there we walked down Fremont street, taking in the crazy buskers (one of which was just a guy in underwear bopping to music) and went to a cool bar called The Griffin. A friend of mine described The Griffin as looking like Hogwarts and thats exactly what it was like, very English pub which low lighting and a fireplace.

Other than the amazing day 24 hours of my birthday, the other thing we did in Vegas was the Grand Canyon but we did it by helicopter instead of the 10 hour, round trip bus ride. The helicopter option is much more expensive but we decided to fork out. I have actually done this trip before when I was here last time but I was perfectly happy to go again. This time the tour included a limousine transfer to and from the airport and it was in the Limo that the most incredible thing happened. When the Limo picked us up, the driver apologised for being late and said that he had to wait for ‘The Jenners’ who were in the car. We just thought he was making a joke and so we jumped in. Then we realised, he was not joking, there in the seats were Brody Jenner and his mum Linda, his girlfriend Caitlin and her friend. They were so incredibly nice and introduced themselves to us straight away and asked where we were from. Linda said it was her birthday on the 23rd and that Brody had gotten the tour for her as a present, I told her my birthday was 24th. They went in a separate helicopter but when we actually landed in the canyon, when Linda saw us she said “Hey Brisbane” and they asked how the flight had gone. On the way back, another couple squeezed into the Limo (I think purely for the fact that Brody was in there) and during the drive they asked if they could get a photo. Straight away Brody’s demeanour changed and you could tell it was not something he was comfortable with and fair enough. It would be bizarre having people taking pictures of you when you are just trying to celebrate your mum’s birthday.

Now we are into our last day in vegas and there has been a bit of a change of plans. I have realised I do not have enough money to get through the next three weeks and so I am heading home on my original flight next week. Its actually really annoying because I was homesick and talked about heading home but now that I have no choice but to head home then, I am really disappointed and annoyed at myself for not looking after money better, nothing I can do now though. My poor travel buddy has now had to change her flight for the THIRD time because of me and it has been a bit of a stressful day. The only upside is- NEW YORK TOMORROW!!!!

Another week away, my greatest fear