limosene 

I’m having one of those ‘fuck everything’ nights, one of those nights where I’m just fed up! These nights used to happen quite regularly but it’s definitely on the deacrease. When it does happen though it just consumes me and nothing can shift my mood. 

It’s hard to articulate exactly what is wrong with me. I think it’s that I’m sick of being alone. I’m not lonely in anyway, I have an amazing circle of friends, I live with my closest friends and my amazing sister who I spend an incredible amount of time with. As well as my gorgeous puppy to keep me company. But I am definitely alone, I’m just me and I’ve never really been just me and I’m feeling fed up. 

I want to come home from work and have my best friend pull me into his arms, give me a kiss and ask me how my day was. I want to cook dinner with him and sit down to watch TV cuddled up on the couch and then I want to get into our warm bed and hold each other in our sleep. Incredibly sappy I know but hey, at this point I do not care. 

I had all of these things but then I lost them and most of the time I can cope with that but some times it sneaks back up on me and it kills me on the inside. Six years of being with the one person and being incredibly in love and very happy for a large majority will do that to you. 

I know I will find that again, until just recently I actually thought maybe I had but I doesn’t seem to have worked out that way and that’s ok. It will. 

Some of my fondest memories of our time together are- 

 while we were living in London he used to work later than me so I was always home before him. When he would come home the first thing he would do would be to go to the bathroom and shower to get all the grease off himself and to warm up. I would go and sit in the bathroom with him and talk to him about our days. Sometimes we would have a cider while talking. 

And another one is- 

Every morning when he was working in town we would get ready together and have breakfast together. We would then go and ‘clean our pegs’ which was cleaning our teeth and then we would drive to work in different cars but the same way for most of the drive. When it came time to go to our separate work places, we would wave like dorks to each other. 

We had lots of things like this that were just out things and we spent every second we could together. We were best friends and even if we had seen each other for the past few hours we would always have something to talk about. We had a lot in common and we were just always Cait and Lawrie. It’s taken me a long time to understand who I am without him as just Cait. 

I know I will have that again. I truly believe we can have more than one soul mate and have that kind of relationship with more than one person. It will never be exactly the same but I’m glad of that. Those memories will always be mine and his and I’m looking forward to making cute, new memories with the next boy I fall madly in love with. 

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